Silently freaking out…

Labor has never scared me… in fact I have know for many years that a natural child birth is the way I am planning to go. The pain doesn’t scare me… Of course it is going to hurt and I understand that. What scares me to know end is not being able to control my experience…

For those of you that truly know me should not be surprised to find out I like to plan and control everything. I would love to have a home birth but Joe won’t agree to that. So now I am working towards meeting in the middle.

Here is what I know I want/don’t want:

•  I do not want an Epidural.
•  I do not want to be hooked up to any machines (blood pressure cuff, fetal heartbeat and contraction monitors, IV etc…)
•  I want to be able to eat and drink if I so choose.
•  I want to be able to move around, walk, change positions etc.
•  I would like to have the option of being in water as a relaxation technique.
•  I need to have doctors, nurses and my entire support group to truly be there for me and not doubt my choice.

I have spoken to a Doula and she has informed me that Beaufort’s Birthing Center does not support a drug free birth. What I mean by that is the majority of women who go in there opt for the “DRUGS”. My Doctors on the other had have told me that they support the natural labor… so I have conflicting ideas and I need to find out the truth! I met a woman yesterday that has gone through 2 natural labors… one of which was at Beaufort. She mentioned her frustrations of this hospital and now I am even more against using them. They were very adamant on her keeping the monitors on as well as the blood pressure cuff. Although at some points it wasn’t so bad to have on, during a contraction the last thing you want is your blood pressure cuff to go off or the elastic monitor bands to remain tightly snug around your contracting uterus. Silently I was freaking out as she is telling me all this (don’t worry Julie I am not upset… in fact I really appreciate everything you said… the more information I have the better my decision will be!)

When I don’t feel good (and I suspect that when I am in labor I am not going to feel that great) I prefer to be home in my own house. I thought the perfect compromise was to labor at home with a Doula and then when things have progressed we make out way to the hospital. But now I’m not sure if that’s even the best decision. Once at the hospital I am not going to want to be hooked to machines but this in inevitable I am afraid. I had a dream last night that I lashed out at the nurses in the hospital and they tied me to the bed and Joe didn’t do a thing about it… So now I am even more afraid UGH!

There is a birthing center in Savannah that I have heard is fabulous from many people including the Doula I talked to. My fear here is what if after 20 hours of labor I am doubting myself and want the drugs… also, the doctors that we have been seeing for the last few weeks won’t be the one to deliver the baby. Unfortunately Joe is no help when I try and talk to him because he just wants me to go to the hospital. So I am all alone in this decision I feel.

OK so that’s about it! I am done venting. I will keep you all updated.

*** Please note that if something were wrong with me or the baby all those things will go out the window and I will succumb to being hooked up to and IV, monitors, cuff… and what not!